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Welcome to Jam's blog~

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You forget where the heart is....
Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I just feel like fucking killing the shit out of something...
Fuck.

I hate how I can't sleep at night, and end up thinking a whole fuckload of shit that MIGHT happen in the future. And just those little things I believe COULD happen control my motivation to work. I'm motivated for the wrong reasons. For reasons that have a small chance of coming true, and yet, I believe in them with my heart and soul. So much that my life is centred around my thoughts on the future.
Why am I believing in those happy things that have a (less than 25%) chance of happening and letting it lead my life? Why the fuck am I setting myself up for disappointment in the next 2 years?

I'm probably just a masochistic bastard who has nothing else in her life to focus on; so all she can do is focus in a fucking unrealistic future. Looking forward to the disappointment and the beating I'm gonna give myself in one and a half years.

--


Right now, nothing interests me. The thought of you keeps me pressing on. I tell myself I don't fucking regret it. But then I can't fucking let go. So I make promises to myself. Promises that I will show you I'm not a nobody. Damn it. I wish this would go away, but if it goes away, am I giving up?
Aa. 


Need to talk to someone about it.
Someone who understands that I no longer have a heart. 

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8:20 PM
the future?
Saturday, August 13, 2011

I made a promise to myself and tied a little ribbon around my middle finger (:
I really hope I can put enough trust so this little 'promise' can hold true.
--
It's sad how our highschool lives are coming to an end in another 3 and a half terms. It unnerves me how we're going to the real world soon, and deciding what to do with our future. It didn't seem that long ago when we first entered kindergarten... started Year 7... and now we're going into uni soon.

I wonder what the real world will be like? Independent, adult-lives. I will definitely miss all the child-like behaviour. We all wanted to grow up fast when we're young, now we don't want to leave childhood. But then I'm excited about what the future might hold for me. I imagine so many things, and I want to know if there's potential it could come true. I wonder if many of us will split off to different countries; span the world with our Ruse-ivity.

Oya... I really should study. But... I really just can't be bothered right now.
--
Was I so naive in thinking we could last forever??

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10:01 PM